A Politically Correct Christmas Carol
We were dismayed when re-reading Clement Clarke Moore's classic. "A Visit from St. Nicholas," to discover several things. Only the man of the house springs from his bed to see "what was the matter" (the missus passively stays put, while the children dream of empty-calorie, sugar-plum candy). St. Nicholas comes down the chimney of a wood-burning fireplace (which pollutes the air. Not only is he "dressed all in fur," he is obese, florid (suggesting high blood pressure) and smokes a pipe. So in the spirit of the season, we offer you a more Earth-friendly, people-friendly version.
'Twas the night before solstice; all through the earth house
Not a creature was stirring, down to the Mac mouse;
The stockings were hung by the solar collector with care,
In the hopes that the Nicholases soon would be there.
The children were nestled in snug futon beds,
While visions of organic plums danced in their heads,
And mama and I in our muslin P-jay's
Had just settled down after long busy days,
When out in the garden there arose such a clatter,
That we sprang from our beds to see what was the matter.
Away to the windows we flew like a flash,
She opened the shutters, I threw up the sash.
When what to our wondering eyes should appear
But a recycled sleigh and eight well-fed reindeer,
With two agile drivers, so lively and quick,
That we knew in a moment it must the "Nicks."
More rapid than eagles their coursers they came,
And they whistled, and coaxed them and called them by name,
"now, Tofu!, now, Tempeh!, now, Seitan and Couscous!
Come, Pasta!, come Pesto!, come, Ginger and Kudzu!
Right up to our front door the reindeer they flew
With a sleighful of presents and the Nicholases, too.
So we flung the door open, and without a sound,
In they both came with a leap and a bound,
They were dressed all in hemp from feet up to head,
Vegetable-dyed, hers in green, his in red.
Their eyes -- how they twinkled; their dimples, how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, her lips like a cherry!
They were slender and fit from a vegetarian diet,
And as role models, they inspired others to try it.
They spoke not a word, but went straight to their task,
And filled all the stocking, then left in a flash.
But we heard them exclaim ere they drove out of sight,
"Happy Solstice to all, and to all a good night!"
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